And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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