I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just invented taco cereal.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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