I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Randomize
