i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
There are leaves in my underwear?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
