I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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