I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
