I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
