Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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