fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
