Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
