Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
