I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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