dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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