the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
