We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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