Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
