This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
