Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
