I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
