i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
