Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
