About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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