The maid of honor just puked.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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