I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
