he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
