Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
