Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
