Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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