I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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