I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
