Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I didn't notice because vodka
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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