ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
