I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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