When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
