i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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