the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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