Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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