I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
