True but thats because hes a fetus.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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