Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
