When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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