How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
