life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
