now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
