I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
