if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
