I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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