I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
