did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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