VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
