Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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