Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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