She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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