here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
