my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
