I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
